Broken-Dawn

I have begun to realize that it is time to move on. Waiting for your past to catch up to you, whether it’s good or bad, only makes you weaker. I keep telling myself I can get better, that I can do this; but deep down, I feel I can’t. Every mistake you make is an experience, every experience you make is life. Only you can live your life, not anyone else.

Holding on (or out) for love is something I have been doing for far too long. No matter how I try to stop and concentrate on just living, I still can’t get past it. Why is it so hard for me to try to make my own life happier, not be so depressed when I see others happy? I can change my life, I don’t have to be stuck in this rut forever – but I just can’t get a grasp on the reality of it. Money, trust, love — I realize it’s harder and harder to get those seemingly simple things. I know everyone deep down has an issue they are dealing with, but to me I don’t see it. They seem to have the money thrown at them, the trust is always there, and they can recall the years of love that they are experiencing. Why can’t I?

At least I have my children, my job, & trying to get through college again. But it can stop at anytime…it really can. I shouldn’t think like that, I should live each moment with higher standards, not such gloom.

I guess in the end you just really have to set your mind at ease with the thought of true happiness – what it really means to you to be truly happy. It could be money, material things, a great job, or in my case – my family and true love. The way the world is though, how does one expect to really find anything that makes it worth everything you have?

In the words of Robert Frost:

In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.

“Shame on you if you fool me once, shame of me if you fool me twice” Ahh, but life goes on…or does it?

I try to be happy as much as I can, but dealing with depression all my life makes it hard. My mood swings change so quickly you think I was born with PMS. I try not to regret anything in my life, but as with most people — it’s hard not regretting some things.

It’s funny when you are in your teens all you want to do is be older, move out, and have your own life. Granted, I did at 16 which is why my life is the way it is now. I partied too much, got pregnant too quick, and fell for the wrong guys. I know I have the power to fix this all, the power to change my life for the better–but why do I feel like I can’t do it? Is my obsession for finding “Mr. Right” making me absolutely nuts? Yeah, I think it is.

I am attending college, have a decent paying job that I actually enjoy, and trying to see the brighter things in life. A little bit of drama here and there, but for the most part I have Bud Light to help with that

Well, this was a poor, poor pitiful me post. I will have something a little better next time

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my past, my present, and my future. I thought the older I got, I’d be a bit more wiser. I am learning the hard way that what I thought before is not true. “I wish I didn’t know now what I didn’t know then, I wish I could start this whole thing over again.” Sing on Mr. Toby Keith, because you were right. I really wish I didn’t know now, because truthfully–it’s killing me.

Some women say they reach their peak at 25-30, some say 30-45, and some say they are living it up at 50 years of age. Frankly, being 27 and still not feeling it, I can’t wait that long. My life isn’t terrible, but it could be better. Am I to blame for the way it is? Yes, absolutely. Would I trade in being a mother of two? Absolutely not. I love my little munchkins, but sometimes I wish it had been different in a more mother and a father way.

I was thinking about how many real relationships I have had in the past against the “quickie” relationships. Needless to say, I have had 2 real relationships and they lasted about 4 months, give or take. The first one I was dumb and “in love” and also I was 17. The second was about 2 years ago. I don’t have relationship or commitment issues, I have issues on the men I go out with. I tend to fall to the over-emotional or bad boy types – not even realizing it until it’s too late.

Anyway, I was thinking about how we judge our lives on our relationships. Relationships with significant others and relationships with friends too. No one wants to be lonely, on the inside or on the outside. But what is it that defines our loneliness? Is one really the loneliest number? Do we really need someone in our lives to lift us up? The hopeless romantic that I am says yes – but I do watch The Notebook and Romeo and Juliet a little too much. Is there such a thing as the perfect man, or in some cases, the perfect life?

Thinking about the present, I have to admit…I have found the perfect man. We’ve never dated but we have been really great friends for a long time now. Now I am not saying he is perfect, but he is perfect to me. The thing is, we have a connection – but something stops it and I can’t figure it out. Is it true that if you love something so much, you need to let it go? And if it did come back, would you know what to do and what it meant like you should?

In my future, I’d love to see that white-picket fence life, but who has that these days? A chain-link fence maybe, but not a white-picket one. I just wish I could fix my life and myself to where I have the power to change it all…but I feel I won’t ever have it. I am too nervous when it comes to change, too insecure for anyone to see me, and I honestly can say I hate the way I look, act, and feel. It’s an issue I dealt with all my life and when I think I finally leaped over that bridge, something or someone tears it down.

My question is this — when you finally find what it is that you are looking for, what it is that life really meant to have in store for you: would you know?

Either I am just getting old or society is really changing before my eyes. It’s amazing how much teenage girls are becoming more and more “perfect”. They have these great tans with their little skinny bodies and perfect hair and skin. Is there a fountain of youth that somehow I never found out about? Is the chemicals in our food and drinks having a magic effect on some and not others? It’s sickening but yet at the same time, amazing.

But what is perfect? Does it mean having no imperfections on the outside or could you define it as no imperfections on the inside? Every generation always has the great & perfect looking girls, and no matter how hard you would try, you still had that ping of jealousy. They had the money, the boyfriends, the grades. After graduation you would think that they’d become ugly or living a crappy life. You’d say to yourself that somehow, Karma wouldn’t let you down. In the end though, they still managed to surprise you with their beauty and grace. Most perfect girls I have known were always bitchy and that made me wonder: “Why?”…They had everything. But it does beg the question – if these girls have everything on the outside and are never satisfied, where does that leave the plain-janes such as myself? I don’t have terrible skin, but it isn’t perfect. My body is not overweight, but it’s definitely not skinny or bikini-ready. I have many flaws that I try to hide on a daily basis, all because I am scared what others would think of me. But having imperfections on the outside, is that really a bad thing? Could I ever really find true happiness if I am not happy with myself?

I went to a family member’s high school graduation this year and was horrified as my high school jealousy came back. I have never seen so many girls with perfect tans, beautiful hair and skin, and a body of a model to top it off. They had on their little skirts and high-heeled shoes. I felt like I was in a Sports Illustrated cover shoot or America’s Next Top Model audition. Being almost 30, I wondered why I was becoming insanely jealous. Jealousy is for younger girls, not for women like me. I lived that part of my life already, I don’t need to return. I never dressed like that nor do I now, but I feel my fashion sense became better as I got older. I have 2 wonderful kids and on most days, I feel I don’t need anything else.

Until I went to that graduation…

I get upset with the way teens dress. Look at Miley Cyrus, she’s been dressing like a hooker since she was 14. But people talk about Lady Gaga never wearing pants. Gaga is not a teenager! But who can you really blame? I can’t even buy clothing for my children because of the way they make them anymore. Who in their right mind would put their 5-year-old in a mini skirt and tube top? It’s disgusting!

I guess I thought by the time I was older and maybe, just maybe a little wiser that I wouldn’t have cared as much as I did. Boy, was I in for a rude awakening. In the end, I guess you can’t really blame those perfect girls — you can only blame yourself.

In the words of the beautiful Audrey Hepburn:

“For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone.”